


A Girl I Knew...Very Well

by flower_child



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Blood, Depression, Suicide, Warning-self harm, attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4132552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flower_child/pseuds/flower_child
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While threatening Shay in "Insolvent Phantom of Tomorrow," Delphine shares a horrible story of a girl who attempted suicide at her boarding school. It was, in fact, a girl she knew very well. Herself. Delphine Cormier has only one more year of secondary school left, and she needs to graduate with straight A's. She doesn't accept anything less. With time only for studying, her eyes wander to the locked drawer on her desk. Delphine Cormier is a master at deception and secrecy, but the edge is near. </p><p>Warnings: self harm and suicide attempts!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Locked Drawer

_Delphine perched on the edge of Shay’s bathtub, filling it up to just the right amount. She ran the blade through her fingers, its cool metal familiar to her fingers, even after thirteen years._

_“You know, when I was at boarding school,” she told the terrified Shay, “there was a girl I knew…very well. And she attempted suicide.”_

_Delphine looked down at the razor, unable to look at Shay. It’s for Cosima, she told herself._

_“She slit her wrists in the bathtub. But it wasn’t enough. She should have cut the metatarsal arteries on top of her feet, too.”_

_And suddenly, she was back there. Seventeen years old, top of her class at the best secondary boarding school in France. On the edge._

_“Juste une année plus,”_ Delphine whispered to herself as she left a particularly challenging maths class. Another year and she’d be _out._ Out of secondary school, and on to university.

Two girls her age sidled up with grins on their face and linked their arms with each of Delphine’s in the crowded hallway.

“Remember,” the girl to her left, Marie-Laure whispered, “no French.”

Delphine swallowed hard and walked faster, trying to release herself.

On her right, Helene let her go with a sickeningly sweet look. “We just don’t want you to get in trouble, Delphine.”

“Thank you.” Delphine flashed a quick, terrified smile at her captors before disappearing into the throng heading to lunch. She gritted her teeth and set her jaw. _Une année plus._

Delphine had a full schedule this year—she needed to be completely qualified for university. There was no way she was going to settle for anything less than Oxford. As a result, however, she only had twenty minutes during the middle of the day for lunch. She quickly grabbed a plate of whatever they were serving and sat down with her microbiology book. She had a test next hour, and she needed to keep a 95%. She _needed_ to. Delphine pulled her wild hair into a ponytail, eyes fixed determinedly on the book.

 

_Finally._

It was 15:30, and Delphine climbed the stairs to her dormitory. _All the other girls are out with their friends,_ Delphine thought with a moment of remorse. It passed quickly. The other girls weren’t working as hard as she was. The other girls weren’t getting her grades.

After completing a reading for environmental biology, she looked up from her desk out the window for a moment and saw several people from her year playing in the field.

Marie-Laure and Helene.

A familiar brown-haired head bobbed among them; Luc was there too. Teasing them.

They squealed with laughter at his touch.

Delphine felt like her throat had closed, and her stomach was turning. Luc was with _those girls?_

She shook her head and tried to bury herself in a physics worksheet. It didn’t work. She let her head fall down onto the wooden desk _. I could have Luc if I didn’t study so much,_ she thought, biting down on her teeth so hard it hurt. She glanced over at the locked drawer on her desk. Not now. Tonight. When the other girls were asleep. That was the best time.

 

“ _Oui, Maman._ Everything is fine.”

It was Wednesday night, the night Delphine’s parents always called, and she had to reassure them, like every Wednesday night, that she was fine. Because she was.

“I got two points off on my maths test,” she said quietly.

“Just two!” Maman exclaimed. “ _C’est formidable, ma cherie.”_

“ _Merci, Maman.”_ She should’ve gotten a hundred. There was nothing incredible about the situation.

 

Yvette, Marie-Claire, and Jeanette were all asleep—Delphine was accustomed to being the last to go to bed at night, and she could tell when the other girls’ breathing had slowed enough. Soundlessly, she crept out of bed and unlocked the drawer in her desk, pulling out the thinnest one she had.

She’d gotten this one in year 8. How willing the older girls had been to lend a helping hand, she thought, running her finger familiarly over its blade.

Delphine slipped into the bathroom, closed the door silently, and leaned against it, exhaling finally. Her pajama pants slid easily off as she felt the familiar scars on her thin hips. Of course she wasn’t stupid enough to do her wrists.

One for each point off on that stupid test.

One for Luc.

One for each of those girls who harassed her, every single bloody day.


	2. Luc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luc, friends with Delphine's ritual antagonists, appears to be interested in her. She is overjoyed, but are his motives true?

“Delphine, wait up!”

It was a Tuesday afternoon, and Delphine was hurrying back to her dormitory to change for a dance competition when she heard someone call her name. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

She was right—it was Marie-Laure.

“How did you do on the physics test?”

Delphine glanced behind her. Luc and Helene were waiting for Marie-Laure at the end of the path. She swallowed. “An A,” she said simply and tried to walk away.

The other girl was persistent. “But don’t you have a B in biophysics?”

How did she know that? “I’m working on it.”

“You know, my brother applied to Oxford and he couldn’t get in…they wanted all A’s from third year.”

Delphine knew. A sense of panic rose from her toes to her chest. She knew it was almost the end of the year. Of course she wouldn’t be able to get it up to an A. “I was just going to go study…”

“So were we! Why don’t you come study with us?” She gestured to Helene and Luc.

She knew what shit they were pulling. “I don’t know, I have a dance thing later tonight.”

“Come with us!” Marie-Laure grabbed her arm and whispered in her ear, “You know, Luc has a bit of a thing for you.”

Her heart leapt. _Luc?_ Had a thing for _her?_ “Okay,” she grinned.

 

“Delphine, could you help me with that thing we were learning in maths today?” Luc asked, sliding close to Delphine in their seats in the library. Her heart beat faster as he reached over her to pull out his maths notebook. “I didn’t really understand.”

“Yeah, of course,” Delphine said, trying to keep her voice steady.

She didn’t see Marie-Laure and Helene snickering from the other side of the table.

“Here, you just take the derivative—” she began explaining, but Luc cut her off.

“I thought you took the derivative of this…” he put his hand around hers and guided the pencil to the first half of the expression.

Delphine was sure her face was scarlet. Her heart raced at his touch, and she met his eyes fleetingly.

 

As Delphine danced that night, her mind was on one thing only—Luc. The feel of his hand on hers, the way he looked at her. She felt free from the weight of her grades; she didn’t even care that she had a B in biophysics. She had Luc.

She soared across the auditorium stage, the music lifting her up. She gave the best finish of all, smiling broadly.

She received top marks from the judges and beamed as the instructor gave her a medal. The silky feeling of the blade in her hand did not even cross her mind that night.

 

 Delphine had 3 classes with Luc throughout the day, and she knew exactly when she would see him in the hallways. Her stomach lurched as she walked into maths class—he had taken Yvette’s seat next to her.

As she sat down, he said quietly, “I thought…if I got lost, you could help me out a bit.”

Unable to speak, Delphine nodded rapidly.

The class turned out to be a 50-minute lecture, but out of the corner of her eye, Delphine saw Luc glancing at her every few minutes, looking her up and down. She loved it.

She left the classroom as the bell rang, and realized she had retained nothing of what the professor had said. It didn’t matter, though, because Luc slid up beside her as she walked to lunch.

“Did you understand the lesson today?” Delphine stuttered.

She felt Luc looking at her again. “I wasn’t really...paying attention.”

She blushed, grinning involuntarily as two more girls walked up next to them. Helene and Marie-Laure put their arms around Delphine, cooing, “Ooh, did we interrupt the _lovebirds?”_

Delphine flushed even darker, but Luc appeared unfazed.

“We’ll leave you two alone,” Helene whispered, and they melted back into the crowd.

Luc saw the anxious expression on Delphine’s face and said, taking her hand, “Don’t listen to them.”

Happier than she could remember being in years, Delphine walked to lunch with Luc, their fingers intertwined.

 

She and Luc were studying in the library again that evening, trying to figure out that day’s maths lesson (and failing miserably, because they couldn’t stop laughing).

“Did you see his face when Lisette asked that question?” Delphine giggled.

“That was _such_ a stupid question!” Luc exclaimed. More quietly, he said, “You know, I don’t think Lisette’s doing too great in biophysics either…”

Delphine ignored the discomfort she felt as Luc said this—she and Lisette were friends. Well, they studied together sometimes. But was she really going to contradict Luc? Plus, if he was saying these things, it was probably fine.

“I know! And her hair this semester…”

They laughed for fifteen more minutes, Delphine ignoring the feeling that they were past the point of carried away. Since when did she _gossip?_ But none of it mattered—she was with Luc.

“I’ll walk you back to your dormitory,” Luc said after their laughter had died down.

“I’d like that,” Delphine smiled.

They packed up their things hurriedly and left the library ringing in silence.

As soon as they had exited the school building, Luc took Delphine’s hand. “Tomorrow, maybe you can show me what was going on in Environmental.”

Delphine giggled. “Yeah, I will. Are you…busy later?”

“Nope,” Luc grinned.

Delphine ignored the fact that she had two tests tomorrow, and three readings to complete. She was with Luc.

The sun was beginning to go down, and the two approached Delphine’s dormitory building.

She was suddenly filled with a desire to be closer to Luc, and bravery rose in her chest. She stopped walking and turned to Luc, whose eyes only wanted her.

She stood on her tip-toes (Luc was a few inches taller than her) and, heart racing faster than ever, brought her lips to his.

They stood for a moment, locked together. Just a moment before the bubble burst.

Luc pushed her away harshly, anger written all over his face. “What the fuck are you doing, you slut!”

Horrified, mortified, Delphine could only stare at him. “I thought—you—”

“I don’t know what the fuck you thought, but you were wrong. Don’t talk to me again.” He backed away from her as the unthinkable happened.

Two girls poked their heads out from behind the corner of the building, laughing raucously. Helene and Marie-Laure. Soon, Luc joined them, giggling derisively.

Delphine turned and ran, unable to process what had just happened. She hurried into the building, but not before she heard Marie-Laure screech, “Stay away from my boyfriend, slut!”

 

She sprinted up to her room, and was relieved to find that all the other girls were still out.

Luc was playing her.

Of course.

How could she have been so stupid!?

It was like the elation she’d felt three minutes previously had been inverted and multiplied, like poison was coursing through her veins. She wanted it out.

Delphine hurled herself to the drawer on her desk and grabbed a razor at random, squeezing it in the palm of her hand. She bit her tongue and sighed as it pierced the skin. She’d come up with a story later.

It was almost as if the blood racing down her white legs was darker than usual, as if the poison she imagined was really leaving her. She loved the feeling of the blade, cool and collected in contrast to her hot, sticky skin.

She’d read about how, when you die, your skin becomes pearly and cold. The blood drains to your feet, leaving your veins filled with water. That’s how they knew Jesus was dead—by slashing his side and water pouring out. They had more refined techniques now, of course, but the principle was the same. If there was no blood left, there was no life.


	3. The Only Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blood blossoming like poppies...it's the only way this can go.

The next day was torture. The whole school seemed to know about how she’d forced herself onto Luc, and how he, as a pure Catholic boy, had refused the advance.

Echoes of “Slut!” followed her down the hallway.

Paper shrapnel lodged itself in the back of her neck during class.

She told her sixth hour teacher she was sick, unable to face another class with Luc.

Fourth hour had been hell enough, staring at the light fixture above the teacher’s head. Delphine remembered from her favorite book that it helped when you were trying not to cry.

It hadn’t worked.

An angry tear had escaped as Luc shared the story in whispers. The entire right side of the class erupted in giggles. Delphine shook her head, allowing her unkempt curls to fall in front of her face.

Thankfully, the bell had rung at that moment.

Usually she stayed behind to discuss the lesson with the teacher. Today, however, Delphine was the first out the door.

 

She sprinted into sixth hour and found, thankfully, that Luc wasn’t there yet.

“Mme. Rosier, I’m really not feeling well,” she said hurriedly. “Is it alright if I go to the nurse?”

Her environmental biology teacher nodded with a slightly worried look, and Delphine left in a hurry. Luc would be coming from the direction of the English wing, so Delphine ran the other way, taking the long way back to the dorm.

Bitterness rose in her chest like bile, and she had to bite her tongue to keep from vomiting. She still had another year here. Another whole year, during which time the rest of the school would make her life a living hell.

She took the stairs two at a time, but halfway up her knees felt weak and she sat down. There was only one way this could go. She threw her face into her hands and clawed at her scalp. How could she have been so stupid?! She’d never wanted a boyfriend for this exact reason. They were 3 weeks out from finals and Delphine had stopped paying attention in class. Her grades were borderline. She wouldn’t be able to maintain her 4.0.

She had her whole life planned out, and she’d ruined it in a matter of days.

Delphine dug her nails into her scalp until it felt like it would bleed, and dragged. The pain invigorated her to climb the remainder of the steps, and she hurled herself into the dormitory, tears threatening with every step.

There was only one way it could go.

She wasn’t getting into Oxford.

She’d never get her degree.

For God’s sake, she couldn’t even get through secondary school.

How had she possibly thought she could manage these classes?

She’d thought she was invincible.

If nobody had interfered, she would have been.

The blood spilling across her narrow hips every day was like a shield. Who knew that love would be her Achilles’ heel?

There was only one way it could go.

And it needed to go now.

The blood coursing through her was too hot, too alive.

She wanted it out.

All of it.

The other girls would be done with school soon, but there would be no reason they would be back early.

She wished her heart would stop pounding. She wanted it out.

She would never be a doctor.

She seized a razor and threw herself into the white tiled bathroom.

The water would clear out her veins. No blood, no life.

Breathing quick, shallow breaths, her shaking hands turned the hot water tap on in the bathtub. It filled up quickly. More quickly than she thought it would.

Death didn’t waste time. It was coming too fast.

She remembered the blood. It felt trapped inside of her.

Delphine had heard of girls who had done it by slitting their wrists.

Her hands were everything to her. Surely it would be enough.

She stripped off that horrid uniform, avoiding her reflection. She could’ve been Dr. Delphine Cormier one day. But she’d let herself down. She’d let everyone down. There was no way out.

Only one way it could go.

She stepped in, and the heat of the water shocked her momentarily. Her nerves danced on the balls of her feet. She imagined them trying to send all the signals they could to her brain before they couldn’t anymore.

She grabbed the razor from the edge of the tub after she immersed herself in the scalding water. Hot water was best. She knew.

She hadn’t thought out the logistics. What if she passed out before she could do the other wrist?

Delphine shook her head. She wouldn’t. She was stronger than that. She had strength left only for this.

All she’d worked for, flushed down the toilet in a matter of days. She hated herself for allowing it to happen.

Unable to take it anymore, she made a careful incision. She would’ve used these skills for surgery, but she knew she’d never get the chance.

She pressed the razor as deep as it would go. Deeper. The blood spilled into the tub, blossoming like poppies.

Before she could do anything like change her mind, she took the razor in her right hand and made the same cut on her left wrist. Surely that was enough. Surely.

She poked the edge, trying to make it a little deeper.

The world went dark. The pain stopped. Finally.

 

_The memory tasted like poison in Delphine’s mouth as she sat perched on the edge of Shay’s tub. She never admitted to anyone how much it hurt to make those cuts, how her entire body had screamed for it to end, end, end. She didn’t want to think about inflicting that pain on Shay, or on anyone. She’d woken up in the hospital and created a new version of herself. Stronger. But not strong enough. She’d succumbed to love again, and it was making her do horrible, horrible things._


End file.
